Good day to all you spankingly wonderful people of Bowes Park and Bounds Green.  It is such a pleasure to be here with you today.  What ho!  Well, chaps and lady chaps, I am delighted to inform you that in this oncoming by-election, I am standing in this electoral district for the Gross National Interest Party – headed up by our estimable leader, Bertrand Aloiyishious Wooster.  Jolly decent chap.  Great pal of mine.  Spiffing old boy.

Let me make a few things spankingly clear.  In this, my maiden election hustings speech, which, of course, you are honoured to experience this very moment in time, I shall be outlining a few of the most imperative electoral promises the Gross National Interest Party have formulated.   These will be of immense popularity and financial benefit to both this wonderful nation, all the businesses, manufacturers, service industries, etcetera etcetera, and of course, to every member of the great unwashed and spankingly clean general public of Britain.

It is no co-incidence that Bounds Green, Bowes Park and Britain are alliterations, as you, dear electorate, represent the kernel of culture, creativity, innovation and enthusiasm as mirrored in our wise and wonderful national populace at large.  What, what!

So, to be extremely clear and precise, the Gross National Interest Party manifesto, has been published and presented to the Great British Public for your perusal, appreciation and delectation as regards the proposed immediate and projected future of these fair Isles, in accordance with all legal statutes heretoforthwith.  I say, don’t you know.  So terribly, terribly efficient of our bods back at camp to provide all this extraneous information for you, me dears.

If anyone here has any questions, queries, or cloudiness regarding any of these bright spanking purposeful proposals, I am here, in person, to address all and any possible misconceptions or misunderstandings that might conceivably be engendered by the above.

So now to the crux of the matter.  Indeed the essential key elements of our party’s machinations.  Yes, indeed.  Here we are, all together in this great hall, sharing ideas, positively breeching with anticipatory indulgences, so that you, you, you, yes indeed, every single one of you here and in the greater environments, will be invited to participate in our revised enlightenment of ‘the best way forward’.

So here I stand before you, on this momentous day, to put forward the foremost election promises of the Gross National Interest Party, confident you will let out a great cheer – Hurrah – tumultuous applause -  (claps enthusiastically) – and huge sighs of relief that at last, there is to be decent common sense among elected members of parliament and we can all breath easily again.  So vote for me, Roderickina Spode, of the Gross National Interest Party on the strength of our quintessential pledge to you, the great unwashed and spankingly clean general public.

“At birth, every citizen, as of right, will be issued with a British bicycle and an honest British-made umbrella. Thus assured of a mobile workforce adequately protected against the elements, this great country can go forward once more to glory!

Citizens of Bowes Park and Bounds Green, I say to you that nothing stands between us and our victory except defeat! Tomorrow is a new day! The future lies ahead!”  ….   Toodley-pip!

I thank you.